Dry Cleaning Receipt
Super Hero Instruction Pamphlet #7: Leaping Tall Buildings for Beginners
Brass antique nautical compass-To guide me through the roughest waters
One black pen-To assail the tallest walls
A letter from Tom Robbins-To remind me of my charge
Duct Tape-To hold together those most broken
Stacked paper hearts-To be.
Magic eraser: to erase bad memories and mistakes.
Bag of m&ms: to combat low blood sugar and grumpiness.
Dental floss: to tie up scoundrels and swing from rafters.
Silver spoon: to dig my way out of underground dungeons.
Super glue: to mend broken hearts and stick villains’ feet together.
#thatawkwardmomentwhen you could really use a…Superhero (or a conversation starter)!
That’s me – your slasher of horribly awkward silences, the Zoro of miserable hesitations! My utility belt standbys, you ask? Read on, good samaritan.
1. armor all – this is on any real Superhero’s belt, you never know when you are going to need it and you can literally apply it to anything: tire wheels, Grandma’s hip replacement, PB&J (actually only Tony Stark can do that). It’s what saved #thatawkwardmomentwhen the TinMan couldn’t talk and we didn’t know what to do and we were just waiting, holding our breaths to see if the Scarecrow would leave him and run off with Dorothy himself. #awkward
2. little debbie oatmeal cream pies – my favorite snack, it’s impossible to travel without. It’s also very versatile – put it in a blender and make a milkshake out of it, ask the person next to you if they prefer Little Debbie or Aunt Jemima as heroine of store bought goodness, share it with a smile, throw it at a target, etc. If you feed it to pigeons you’ll never have another #awkwardmoment because no one will want to talk to you. Easy!
3. a TV show from the 90s OR anything from the 90s like a Pokemon deck or a Chumbawumba CD – nostalgia, like suffering, brings people together, what better way to erase the memory of #thatawkwardmomentwhen x-happened by mutually dreaming about the golden age of the 1990s when Dawson’s Creek was (still not) cool and we could wear extremely roomy jorts with backward neon trucker caps and no one would give us any trouble.
4. a puppy – also known as an IAV – instant awkwardness vaporizer.
5. a $2 bill – it’s important to carry some cash on you at all times, this is just practical, but the beauty of the $2 bill is that is is as practical as it is impractical – ah the paradox of the #awkwardmoment: sometimes these moments are necessary as a bonding agent later satirized by the parties involved after a couple good drinks and 20/20 hindsight; and sometimes they are the most unnecessary and most uncomfortable experiences of our lives – later satirized by us after many drinks and blurred hindsight.
If you ever find yourself in #thatawkwardmomentwhen don’t hesitate to sound the alarm – “AWK…WARD…” (turtle hand motion highly encouraged)
Auntie Mame! Superhero with sparkling cape, sparkling tiara and sparkling champagne. Life is a Story Banquet
She invites people into the party of living, embracing all characters with her curiosity, kindness and humor.
Itsy Bitsy Wig Bag. The right hairstyle for the right context, just add water and color.
Foreign Accent Voice Assimulator, based on the high quality of the work of Meryl Streep.
Color Food GPS. Leads one to the funkiest restaurants with great food.
Belt Video/Camera/Recorder. That records interpersonal interactions and then makes a documentary snippet.
Unpleasant People Geiger Counter. Will go off in warning of party poopers of all kinds.
Never ending crayons, used for creating inspiring art and for letting people make their own art,
100 percent recycled paper to put all this great inspiring art on!
The snackalator: with a the touch of a button it will dispense just the snack to make you feel better.
The smile-ray: Helping turn those frowns upside down since its invention in 1983.
The every-book: A magical book that can turn into just the story that will cheer you up.
1. Foldout ironing board (For capes, tights, etc)
2. Instant red carpet
3. Getaway car call button
4. Ultra-realistic Brangelina hologram (Unsuitable for rescuing Brad or Angelina, sorry!)
5. Flashbulb-activated smokescreen (For the really rough days)
3) mutant “cure” gun
4) yellow lamp
5) asbestos soaked towel
See if you can guess who is defeated by these objects
1. Emergency Pantone fan
2. Instant mixtape soundtrack machine
3. Kool-aid blaster
4. Punkie Brewster inspired hair scrunchie dispenser
5. Copy of the Descriptive Color Names Dictionary bookmarked at Squash Yellow
When creating my ‘super-teacher-belt,’ there are five essential gizmos I require. First, I need the ‘truth-or-fib’ detector. Secondly, my belt must have the ‘amp-up-the-fun’ utility-belt boombox. Thirdly, no ‘super-teacher-belt’ is complete without an ‘amazingly-colored-and-perfectly-situational’ sticker dispenser. Next, I require the ‘I-can-calculate-and-grade-any-paper-or-assignment-on-sight’ magnifying glass. Finally, my ‘super-teacher-belt’ must have the ‘I-understand-my-student,-what-makes-them-tick,-and-how-I-can-best-motivate-them-to-become-their-dream’ headphones.
On my control-top fat-burning utility belt you will find these five things:
1. A Leatherman: The Swiss Army knife’s exponentially nerdier nephew is a wonder of modern science and is infinitely useful for everything from staple pulling to roadside bicycle repair. Its utility almost sorta nearly counteracts the shame of having one on your belt!
2. A Sharpie: When evil falls asleep on the bus, evil wakes up with an old-timey mustache drawn right on its drooly face!
3. An iPhone: In this fast-paced world, sometimes the peace-loving superhero has to take a break and look the other way. And there is no more socially acceptable method for completely ignoring your surroundings and the needs of others than pawing at an iPhone like it’s your prom date’s bosom.
4. Clear nail polish: Superheroes wear tights. Tights get runs. Do you want to be the superhero on the front page of the paper wrestling weapons grade plutonium away from some villain with a name ending in “-tor” while displaying a most unsightly snag on your thigh?
5. Four breakfast sausages in a ziploc bag: Superheroes get hungry and what superhero on the go is willing to risk their shining moment on the peaky energy a person gets from carbs?
James Bond is my superhero and Q-Branch makes the most fabulous accessories:
1) Pocket snap trap – To deter an unwanted body search
2) Grappling suspenders – You never know when you’re going to be climbing
3) Pen gun – It’s like C4 on the down low.
4) Perfume Flamethrower – Toastyyyy!
5) Credit card – No, not for shopping! It opens electronic doors.
1 – Pawley’s Island Hammock Fitted with Willow-Tree Adhesion Pack
2 – Seashore Sounds and Salt-Air Simulation Kit
3 – Puff-o-Matic Down Throw
4 – Forever-Full Hot Chocolate Canister
5 – Favorite Furry Friend in Anti-Captain Nightmare Gear
Every Lady Hero should carry the following:
A Lipstick Camera (in a shade to match the costume, of course)
Clear Nail Polish Explosive (also useful for patching runs in tights)
Fingerprinting Blush (make sure it compliments the lipstick!)
Bracelet Handcuffs (to stylishly secure your villains)
And, of course, a monogrammed handkerchief for delicately mopping up sweat and/or blood.
1. a pointy sword
2. a lasso
3. a seatbelt
4. a gun that shoots rotten eggs
5. a foldup shield that makes you invisible
I’m a rapper and my crew and I are always together saving the day with raps. My crew is Anthonee, Bear, and Franky.
In my utility belt I need:
For my dream utility belt, I would include:
* A magic carpet – one that packs tightly
* Ninja stars
* A smoke bomb, so that I could make an escape with my pals
* A snack
* Gel that opens a portal in the time-space continuum
Stilettos that turn into Sneakers
A Sense of Adventure/Optimism
1. Laser weapon nicknamed “the cure” – an illness blaster that zaps disease
2. “Bright side” blaster – instills optimism and promotes happiness and appreciation
3. Silly shooter – shoots silly string, silly putty, and causes giggles and laughter
4. Food fighter fairy dust bombs – just one blast creates acres of tillable land capable of growing good food quickly
5. Puppy-match transporter – Transports pups without homes to people without dogs who need each other
Everyone knows it isn’t the gadgets that make the hero. This utility belt is more metaphorical than technological. Sorry, Q.
1. Back story: parents were pirates (see previous prompt), too many days on the plank, parrot in tragic accident, fear of the ocean.
2. Sidekick: every good superhero needs one. “To the Volvo wagon, Billie Jean King!”
3. Theme song: “Talkin’ bout who?”
4. Love interest: “No, Daniel Craig, I am too distraught over the death of my pirate parents/parrot to join you on your luxurious houseboat for the evening. I must continue righting the wrongs of those who commit wrongdoings.”
5. Analgesic rub: scent free, for long days on the job.
A manatee/rhino call button for speedy escapes on land or sea
A tiny, compact jukebox that expands to full size for playing catchy tunes during my epic action scenes
A pair of invisible boomerangs equipped with a flame throwing option.
Granola bars that heal any bodily injury and provide substantial energy boosts for fast runs and high jumps!
Finally, a Babel fish for international superhero expeditions!
1) Slo-mo Taser – turns a villain’s mad charge into a freeze frame fumble.
2) Sticky Glue – apply liberally to boots and walk up walls for late night surveillance activities.
3) Immobilator – fire at villain and mummy-wrap them, includes breathing holes.
4) Black Hawk Magic Bean – just add water to a tiny pellet and watch it transform into a Black Hawk helicoptor in in less than 10 seconds – perfect for that instant escape.
5) Pizza – no explanation needed
Robin Thicke (to sing my smooth theme song/give me a peck on the cheek when the going gets tough)
Gillyweed (for underwater adventures)
Trader Joe’s SPF 30 (I may be unstoppable but the sun’s rays are not)
Compound Bow (they look pretty rad)
Beyonce’s Dance Moves (never know when I’ll have to school my enemy in a dance-off!)
Stockings (They are useful for many, many things.)
Bright red scarf for instant disguises
Compact filled with stunning powder
1. Water bottle – Being a superhero is hard work. In the rush of the action, I can easily forget to hydrate myself regularly. Having my trusty water bottle hooked to my belt will make it simple for me to rehydrate and power through my crime fighting escapades. Plus, the multitude of stickers on it will help me show the world the things I stand for – vegetarian burritos and marriage equality.
2. Pen- There is always something to write about when I am out there saving the day. Whether it is a new story idea or a note about which door to use next time I need to sneak into my archenemy’s lair, I need to have a good pen to write it all down.
3. Post-Its – No one, superhero or civilian, should ever be caught without a pack of post-it notes. I always have them with me in case of a reminder emergency. They’re great for posting in my car, secret lair, or even on the underside of my cape. I won’t ever forget to buy new tights again!
4. Hair Tie – People with flowing locks make the windswept look seem effortless when they fly around on TV. However, real Superheroes with long hair know how much it stinks when our hair blows into our face. How can I avoid tall buildings if I cannot see? Keeping my hair tied back when I am flying around the city or fighting a bad guy is a definite must. If nothing else, I can flick it in my opponent’s eye. It hurt in 3rd grade; it will still hurt now.
5. A Picture of the People I Love – Motivation is key for superheroes! When times get hard, I need a little reminder about why I chose to be a superhero. A picture with friends and family reminds me that I am keeping them safe and making the world a better place for everyone. Their energy keeps me positive so that I always feel ready to take on the next challenge.
1. Bar of chocolate: dark
2. iPod: 120-gig Classic
3. Swiss Army knife: green
4. Pen: mightier than sword
5. Water: trusty blue Nalgene
1. Santa Claus-esque pouch holding “presents” of organic, nutritious, unlimited foods to give to hungry people at whim. LOW CHOLESTEROL!
2. Reusable bag made from recycled materials to wear over head/for local purchases. ANONYMITY!
3. Portable contraption that converts dog poop and sewage into energy for affordable housing (in the form of potato-made biodegradable skyscrapers lined with algae and solar panels). CONVERTED!
4. Gardening tools for intimidation. As well as for maintaining sporadic victory gardens. HOE-DOWNED!
5. Locally-made-from-recycled-materials, solar-energy-powered iPhone to provide directions to littering and pollution crimes. FINED!
100ft rope with grappling hook, lock picking kit, knife, wire saw, and hand cuffs.
1. Finnegans Wake: Psychological and physical weapon as needed.
2. Archaeological trowel: Way more useful than a whip, Indy. Sorry.
3. Stove-top espresso maker: Needs no justification.
4. Olduwan hammerstone: More versatile than you might think.
5. Compressed tweed blazer with elbow patches: Easy markers of social identity matter.